February 2012
1 post
4 tags
Horse Poem #34
This poem is in the newest issue of Po, which should be out and about soon.
Horse Poem # 34
if I stop at night going to her stable tip-toeing straw knocking buckets will she not be there sleeping? if she stops at night coming to my window nudging glass licking caulk will I not be there sleeping? what if I’m out at night going to her stable and she’s out at night coming to my...
January 2012
3 posts
14 tags
8 tags
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December 2011
1 post
5 tags
Match.com (An "essay" I wrote in 2006) in...
Match.com (2006) by Chris Bower
I am single, have been for about 5 months, and I don’t want to get into the details of the break-up here, because they are embarrassing and awful, so I ‘ll just say this; I made a lot of mistakes.
For the first month of being single, I behaved like a drunken ghost.
For the second, I behaved like a drunken sub-human.
For the third month, I didn’t behave at...
October 2011
7 posts
Big Head →
The kind folks at Untoward Magazine have published a short story by me about a woman with an enormous head.
What do you do when you realize your room-mate has... →
Strange room-mate habits or good room-mate habits? →
Is Portal 2 a good game for an about to be... →
Dolphins in Lake Michigan? →
My wife is HIV positive and healthy but when we... →
6 tags
First World Problems
This was text that I read for P. Fanatics at Cole’s Bar in Logan Square. I spent 20 minutes on the phone last 4th of July trying to explain to this Japanese restaurant that they forgot the sauce for my Shrimp Tempura and their argument was that they didn’t forget; that I had put “Gluten Free” on the special instructions and that they didn’t send the sauce because it wasn’t Gluten Free....
August 2011
1 post
5 tags
July 2011
2 posts
12 tags
6 tags
June 2011
3 posts
6 tags
A small part of Pet Heaven; a short story I read...
A wheezing Florida born Boa looked at us and screamed, “No Cheating!” and then he started to sob. As I looked around the room, the more sobbing I saw. They sobbed like humans and you could tell it was their first time. They had no doubt seen their humans do this. Humans love to sob in front of their pets. They are witnesses that can not, unless it’s a really dumb TV show, testify.
4 tags
Encyclopedia Show Tonight at 7:30
I will be taking part in tonights show so come. The Encyclopedia Show Divine Comedy wraps up with part three HEAVEN. Marvel at original creations from these brilliant angels: Jill Summers and Susie Kirkwood - Heavenly Animations Kristiana Colon – Heaven Lake Stephanie Lane Sutton – Sugarcandy Mountain Emanuel Vinson – Planetary Afterlife of the Mormons Chris Bower – Pet Heaven Ben Clark –...
My Angry Defense of Wrigley Field (Foie Gras in my...
Hating Wrigley has been common to 5 types of people: Opposing teams, Jaded radio hosts that have made a career out of being contrary, Suburban fucks that want to be able to park in a Wal-Mart style parking lot, Asshole Cub fans who can’t just accept that our team is no good this year, and aging sportswriters who are trying to stay relevant. ( I was sitting two rows away from Peter...
May 2011
5 posts
7 tags
Memorio's Day by RFK
My butler’s name was Robert
He came before me
and preferred to be called Robert
When I decided that I preferred to be called Robert
and not Bobby
the family disagreed
Rose and Papa Joe
had long ago decided
that the servants working in our home
were to be addressed by their first names
something that caused a bit of a scandal
in the neighborhood
but was accepted because
Papa Joe was not a man...
3 tags
Let It End Like This gallery →
My replication of a wall at Ray’s Tap can be seen here. Also, you can see me predict my own death.
March 2011
5 posts
Wit: My Text from Write Club
I know this isn’t part of the debate, but I want to get one thing straight: Our nations current elderly are neither witty nor wise. They are idiots. Having a deeper understanding of past events and being able to turn that into a palatable quasi-whimsical yarn is nothing but idiocy. Most people don’t have a deeper understanding of their own shits and when they think they do, they are just...
8 tags
Disgusting Sex Acts List from Ray's Show 3/4/11
List of the Most Disgusting Sexual Positions and Sex Acts by the writers of the Ray’s Tap Reading Series for the Anti-Erotic/Sex-Negative/Anti Natal Extravaganza 1. Home-Made Taco Salad 2. Flooding the Engine 3. Inside out Strawberry 4. Breaking the Vagina Bank 5. Splitting Hairs 6. Face the Nation 7. Egg Face 8. Human Rain 9. Let’s Turn Our Bodies Into Ships With Passengers 10. Big and...
Dr. Dingleberry Slims second Word Forest Boys...
6 tags
The first single from Dr. Dingleberry Slim’s...
5 tags
February 2011
4 posts
13 tags
The Anti-Erotic/Sex-Negative/Anti-Natal...
The Ray’s Tap Reading Series presents: The Anti-Erotic/Sex-Negative/A nti-Natal Extravaganza Prepare to be turned off! Ray’s Tap3047 N. Kimball AvenueChicago, ILFree “We are only alive because two people did a disgusting thing or a scientist in a lab did a series of disgusting things. “ Who said that? A reasonable person did. The Ray’s Tap Reading Series is going to be...
10 tags
New Ray's Reading March 4th at 9 PM
The theme for the show is The Anti-Erotic/Sex-Negative/Anti-Natal Extravaganza!!!!!!
Poster and more information to come soon.
6 tags
MASCOT only has 2 more shows left at Rhinofest...
Come see Matt Test in an incredible performance in my new play, Mascot. It plays the next 2 Saturday nights at 9 PM (2/5 and 2/12) at the Prop Thtr. All shows at Rhinofest 2011 are 15 bucks or Pay-What-You-Can or you can buy tickets on-line for $12 bucks at Brown Paper Tickets.
January 2011
2 posts
December 2010
1 post
13 tags
November 2010
1 post
18 tags
October 2010
2 posts
8 tags
11 tags
September 2010
1 post
12 tags
Death in Yellowstone stories at the 2nd Hand →
The 2nd Hand will be publishing the work from the Ray’s Show, Death in Yellowstone. Work to follow this initial story by myself will be from Dave Snyder, Tony Mendoza, Matt Test, Tim Racine, Tim Stafford and Mark Chrisler.
Also check out the video and music from the show. Video by Susie Kirkwood and Landry Miller with music by Alan Scalpone here : http://www.vimeo.com/12508788
August 2010
3 posts
5 tags
Nine Facts About Kentucky
1. In Kentucky, they have motels with legs that run along the highway at night, looking for hotels that have beds for motels. They never do find them, so the motels spend their nights hopping over creeks and only stop to drink the water after someone spills whisky in it. 2. In Kentucky, they have longhaired cows that roll their eyes at faces in car windows and spend their days making a...
For all past event information.....
please visit my shitty holdmyhorses.livejournal.com
3 tags
New Blog
Everything new about Chris Bower will be appearing at this location. Live Journal has been such a sad disappointment. As soon as they made me watch ads before I could see my own blog, I had enough.
holdmyhorses.com
July 2010
1 post
7 tags
Story To Be Published in an In-Flight Magazine
I killed a man. Big deal. It was only a big deal to me when I was killing him. You watch all your TV shows about killing people and you think it’s all either mindless and awful or some incest or 9/11 thing but sometimes, people get killed and that’s all that mattered. This was a 9/11 thing, it turns out. I was the man who killed Osama bin Laden. I killed him because he looked at me...