Nine Facts About Kentucky
1.
In Kentucky, they have motels with legs that run along the highway at night, looking for hotels that have beds for motels. They never do find them, so the motels spend their nights hopping over creeks and only stop to drink the water after someone spills whisky in it.
2.
In Kentucky, they have longhaired cows that roll their eyes at faces in car windows and spend their days making a wonderful soup out of rainwater and peas for their beautiful children.
3.
In Kentucky, they have billboards that blush if you say you like them and back deep into the dark forest if you say you don’t.
4.
In Kentucky, the country highways wind you up until you are disoriented and then take advantage of you.
5.
In Kentucky, chickens are ducks and ducks are dogs and dogs are what they call really hard snowballs. As they say in Kentucky,”I killed them ducks with dogs.”
6.
In Kentucky, the policemen are authentic centaurs, have giant blue beards and since they are union they get to ride around in custom police cars and only get out when serving a warrant. Years of laziness has left the majority of them obese and their legs look like those of elephants.
Their swift beautiful children often are the stars of many parades and while most find their fathers unlikable, most of the state appreciates their incompetence and the women faint at the sight of their horse cocks.
7.
In Kentucky, they have mammals that look like tuna fish with dogs legs. They walk the city streets at night picking the bones of the dead before they go to sleep at the tops of trees.
8.
In Kentucky, the salt domes for snow removal are only filled with bones and gold which when sprayed around the streets cause great drama but does little but sit atop the snow, those glittering bones.
9.
In Kentucky, babies are born out of women’s ears which biologists say has always been an optional exit but only when women’s bodies are so terribly deformed or when the term “ear” is synonymous with “vagina”.
